It's been a while.
Last year, or the year before, I held a sort of "Internet Liberation Day", where I had a bunch of friends and I go around the interwebs and delete our history. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of this.
There's really just too much of me here. There's a lot of pain here, a lot of happiness. This is the journal of my "youth" that I always wished I had. Something to go back and read so I don't forget.
I never had much use for the history of others, and I don't like to live in the past, but sometimes, I just feel this need to sit back and look at what I did right and where I went wrong.
The way my brain works, I've never really been able to focus on anything. I leave a lot of great ideas flapping in the wind. I've always sort of "needed" a journal just to keep track of where I've been, what I thought and where I may have intended to go.
I still don't know any of that. Right now, my life feels more detached than it has in too long. I'm scared, I'm excited, but I'm getting old....honestly, I have to be realistic. This can't keep happening. I need a foothold. I need a focus. I need TO focus. That ability. The very thing that is my worst enemy, yet also my greatest tool.
My brain, mind, is always in flux. I think of so many things, sometimes all at once, things that may never come to most, and it's great, but if I can't focus on any of those amazing things to do anything about or with them, it's fucking useless.
I think I'm finally ready to through caution to the wind and go talk to a brain doc and get me some focus drugs and see how things work out.
Even if only for a little while, just to get myself on the right track, just to be able to point the gun, pull the trigger, and ride that bullet to whatever target I aim at.
I can be so much more.